you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
