I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
