party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
