Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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