I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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