we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize