Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My butt remains clenched, sir.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
