I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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