I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
