you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
