Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
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