so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
