I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I think your dad took our porno
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
