his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
