Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
