the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
