DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
