last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
