my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
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