i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
