You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize