Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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