lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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