Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize