So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just high enough for therapy.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
