Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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