I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
