They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
