Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
