yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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