I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
