I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize