Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize