I like my sex mixed with concussions.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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