toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
We need to rekindle our bromance
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
