proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
