i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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