whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
