So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
