I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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