eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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