Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
