i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
