If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
