How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Randomize
