I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
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