Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
