Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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