just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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