And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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