I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I just gargled with NyQuil
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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