Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
