Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
