If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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