you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
