ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
