You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
