Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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