i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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