sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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