I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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