There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
