Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
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