Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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