I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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