It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
