I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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