So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
