white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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